What's Here!

Woodlawn Cemetery in the Bronx

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Harry G. Pellegrin

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My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a health club but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!

Basic Philosophy
  Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

  The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

  Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

  There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

  An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

  If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead?"

  Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

  The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

  Get the last word in: Apologize.

  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

  Some people are like Slinkies . . .. not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

  Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?

  Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

  All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

  Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

  In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

  Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

  How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

  AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
  You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration

SIGNS IN FRONT OF CHURCHES

1. The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.
2. Under same management for over 2,000 years.
3. Soul food served here.
4. Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk.
5. You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.
6. Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!
7. Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.
8. We should be more concerned with the Rock Of Ages, instead of the age of rock.
9. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!
10. Come early for a good seat in the back.
11. Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?
12. Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.
13. A man's character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash.
14. K-mart isn't the only saving place!
15. Preach the gospel at all times . Use words only if necessary.
16. Delay is preferable to error.
17. It's hard to stumble when you're on your knees.
18. What part of "THOU SHALT NOT" don't you understand?
19. A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.
20. The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday!
21. Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive.
22. Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings.
23. Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
24. May is God's apology for February.
25. To belittle is to be little.
26. Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you.
27. God answers knee mail.
28. Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back

DILBERT'S RULES OF ORDER

1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

8. My reality check bounced.

9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

15. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

16. Don't be irreplaceable -- if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

20. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

21. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

22. Following the rules will not get the job done.

23. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

Catholic Math

Little Tommy (who was Jewish) was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, they tried everything they could think of. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work.  His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner and to her shock, theminute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day while his mother tried to
understand what made the difference. Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books.  With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise little Tommy got an A in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, WHAT was it???? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, no.   "Well, then", she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the
uniforms???? WHAT was it????"   Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

THE END IS NEAR!

A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground, which reads: "The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before It's Too Late!"

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled a driver as he sped past.

From the curve ahead, they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European nation rather than German which was the other possibility.

   As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

   In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".  Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.  The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

   There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

   In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

   Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

   By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

   During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

   Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

   If zis mad yu smil, pleas pas it on to oza pepl.

Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?

Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box spring.

Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.

Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.

Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up".
My way: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad.

Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.

Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?

Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
My way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.

Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.

Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
My way: Leftover wine?

Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

Martha's way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the antibacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

Martha's way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer. * Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait 20 minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china. * Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets. * Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes. * Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once!

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,
     Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
     Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:
     We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
     Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.
     I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
     So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted.   The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife.

"Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf,
scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner.

"Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.

That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"

"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the
dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl. The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's
Pentecostal !"

Have Ya Ever Wondered?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to see an egg come from a chicken's butt and think, "I'll bet that would be good to eat?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why do they call it 'getting your dog fixed' if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?

If Wile Coyote had enough money for all the Acme products, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?

Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?

Did Adam and Eve have navels?

Do one-legged ducks swim in circles?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

And who opened that first 'oyster' and said "My, my, my. Now doesn't 'this' look yummy!"

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
 
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
 
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
 
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have Forbidden fruit!!!!!"
 
"No Way!"
 
"Yes way!"
 
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
 
"Why"
 
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
 
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
 
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
 
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
 
"I don't know," said Eve.
 
"She started it!" Adam said
 
"Did not!"
 
"Did too!"
 
"DID NOT!"
 
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
 
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
 
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
 
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
 
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
 
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
 
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
 
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
 
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
 
6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
 
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.
 
AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
 
Pass this onto a parent, grandparent, anyone that might be in contact with a child.
 



An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced!   Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took
her faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund
starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that
he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his
direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund
thinks, "Okay, I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on
the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones
with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to
leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious
leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of
terror comes over him, and slinks away into the tree s. "Whew," says the
leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something
must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey,
hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back,
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his
back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet . and just
when they get close enough to hear the dachshund
says......................
"Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me
another leopard!"

Bible belt jokes
Q.  What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A.  Ruthless.

Q.  What do they call pastors in Germany?
A.  German Shepherds.

Q.  Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A.  Noah.  He was floating his stock while everyone else was in
liquidation.

Q.  What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A.  Pharaoh's daughter.  She went down to the bank of the Nile and
drew out a little prophet.

Q.  What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A.  Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.  David's
Triumph was heard throughout the land.  Also, probably a Honda,
because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q.  Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A.  Samson.  He brought the house down.

Q.  What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer
lived in Eden?
A.  Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q.  Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the
Bible?
A.  Moses.  He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q.  Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A.  The area around Jordan.  The banks were always overflowing.

Q.  Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A.  David.  He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q.  Which Bible character had no parents?
A.  Joshua, son of Nun.

Q.  Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A.  Because Noah was standing on the deck.

From an article by Dave Barry

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar, Balthasar and Herb -- went to see the baby Jesus, and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh.'' These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper.  If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: "And lo, the gifts WERE inside 600 square cubits of paper.  And the paper WAS festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman.  And Joseph WAS going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, 'Holdeth it!  That is nice paper!  Saveth it for next year!' " "And Joseph DID rolleth his eyeballs.  And the baby Jesus WAS more interested in the paper than, for example, the frankincense.'' But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped.  This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:

1.  They were wise.
2.  They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers.  Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off.  This is not just my opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know.  One is my son, Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it.'' The other is my friend Gene Weingarten, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift.  "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas,'' Gene said.  "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs.'' I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never COMPLETELY wrap them.  I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector
  of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.)  If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane.  My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things.  If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.  If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills (like having babies) that come more naturally to women than to men.  That is why today I am presenting:

GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN

·         Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped.  If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.

·         The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch.  They must be smoking crack.

·         If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper!  Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it.  This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:

YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?

YOU: It's a gift!  See?  It has a bow!

YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.

YOU: Gas-powered!  Five horsepower!

YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.

YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

    In conclusion, remember that the important thing is NOT what you give, or how you wrap it.

The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

UPSTATE NY

1. You refer to downtown Albany as "The City."

2. "Vacation" means going to Rochester for the weekend.

3. You measure distance in hours.

4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

5. You've used your back porch or the trunk of your car as a fridge/deep freeze.

6. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

7. You use a down comforter in the summer.

8. You drive at 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

9. People say they live in Glenville when their mailing address is Scotia.

10. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

11. There is a mini-mall every 1/4 mile; if not, you're in Vermont.

12. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.

13. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Stewart's at any given time.

14. You design your grandkid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

15. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

16. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas. [additional note - Ooh, BABY ]

17. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, construction.

18. It takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when you're in a rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.

19. You know to avoid tractor trailers (or cars for that matter) on the Northway with Canadian Plates.

20. It's SODA DARNIT, And people who call it POP make you want to slap them.

21. You don't consider what Domino's or Pizza Hut sell as Pizza.

22. You know that 'First Night' isn't a Sean Connery movie.

23. There is no such thing as waiting for the left turn arrow at an intersection.

24. Your career ambition is to work for NY State.

25. Even with the slightest threat of snow, you know that Ichabod Crane schools are closed.

26. There is nothing International about Albany airport.

27. You can spell and say 'Schenectady', Niskayuna and 'Rensselaer'.

28. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends from Upstate NY.

A husband shopping center (Husbands-R-Us) has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.
 
The store is comprised of six floors, and the men increase in positive
attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
 
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may
choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go
back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"  So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.  The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder
what's further up?" And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.  "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.  "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!"  And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.  "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?"  So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 123,456,789,012,345 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at Husbands-R-Us and have a nice day.

Male or Female
===============
  As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!").  Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as female.  Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow.

  Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

  3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

  4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

  5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

  However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow.

  Five reasons to believe computers are male:

  1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

  2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

  3. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

  4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

  5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

THE FARMER AND HIS MULE

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?", asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
 
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
 
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
 
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to
simply answer the question."
 
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
 
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie
was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans".
 
"Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes".
 
"Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and asked 'How are you feeling?'
 
"Now -- I ask your Honor -- what would you say?"

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.  The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is  struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up  in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

        For a moment there is silence.. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

        Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous:  tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk  slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.....  one button at a time.

        No one moves. ......
        He removes his shirt. .......
        Muscles ripple across his chest. .....
        She gasps...........
        He whispers: ......        "Iron this, and get me something to eat...."

AN EMBARASSING MOMENT

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes. Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses.”

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do Yo! u Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

! 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours ?
Nacho Cheese.


9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk..

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frost! bite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers ..

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Di! d Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile

 Subject: Ever Wonder

   Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

   Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

   Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

   Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

   On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'?  How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

   Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

   Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

   How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

   Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath?

   Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

   When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'Its all right'?  It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot'?

   Why is it that when you're walking up the stairs and you get to the top you always think there's still one more step?

   Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

   Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

   In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

   Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?

   Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened?

   If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex?

   Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?

   How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

   Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?

   If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?  (Works for me!)

GEORGE CARLIN STRIKES AGAIN

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths: Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?