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Harry
G. Pellegrin
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My first job was working in an
orange juice factory, but I got canned ...
couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I
just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just
wasn't suited for it.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but
that was exhausting.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I
just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered
that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool
maintenance company, but the work was just too
draining.
So then I got a job in a health club but they
said I wasn't fit for the job.
I finally got a job as a historian until I
realized there was no future in it.
SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR
THE JOB!
Basic Philosophy
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way
to make sure you are removing a weed and not a
valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out
of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost
around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out
alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the
quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking
other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never
quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit
while you're ahead?"
Health is merely the slowest possible rate
at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a
grave is the depth.
Get the last word in: Apologize.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for
a day; teach that person to use the Internet and
they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . .. not
really good for anything, but you still can't
help but smile when you see one tumble down the
stairs.
Have you noticed since everyone has a
camcorder these days no one talks about seeing
UFOs like they use to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing
again.
All of us could take a lesson from the
weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you
two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut
saves you thirty cents?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the
world weird. Now the world is weird and people
take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second
oldest profession. I have come to realize that it
bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a
forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a
barbecue?
AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
You read about all these terrorists --
most of them came here legally, but they hung
around on these expired visas, some for as long
as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to
Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video
and those people are all over you. Let's put
Blockbuster in charge of immigration
SIGNS IN FRONT OF CHURCHES
1. The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.
2. Under same management for over 2,000 years.
3. Soul food served here.
4. Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk.
5. You can give without loving, but you cannot
love without giving.
6. Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this
Sunday!
7. Don't wait for the hearse to take you to
church.
8. We should be more concerned with the Rock Of
Ages, instead of the age of rock.
9. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!
10. Come early for a good seat in the back.
11. Life has many choices, Eternity has two.
What's yours?
12. Worry is interest paid on trouble before it
is due.
13. A man's character is like a fence. It cannot
be strengthened by whitewash.
14. K-mart isn't the only saving place!
15. Preach the gospel at all times . Use words
only if necessary.
16. Delay is preferable to error.
17. It's hard to stumble when you're on your
knees.
18. What part of "THOU SHALT NOT" don't
you understand?
19. A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.
20. The wages of sin is death. Repent before
payday!
21. Never give the devil a ride. He will always
want to drive.
22. Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings.
23. Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
24. May is God's apology for February.
25. To belittle is to be little.
26. Don't let the littleness in others bring out
the littleness in you.
27. God answers knee mail.
28. Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil
will always take you back
DILBERT'S RULES OF ORDER
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is
not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good
either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the
whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how
to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and
some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute.
If he isn't there the first time, chances are you
won't be needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a
perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the
stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where
the heck is the ceiling?
8. My reality check bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one
finger on the escape key.
10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles
stampeding through peanut butter.
12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons,
because you are crunchy and taste good with
ketchup.
13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down
to their level, then beat you with experience.
15. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters
from a kick in the butt.
16. Don't be irreplaceable -- if you can't be
replaced, you can't be promoted.
17. After any salary raise, you will have less
money at the end of the month than you did
before.
18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap
you are going to get.
19. You can go anywhere you want if you look
serious and carry a clipboard.
20. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing
would get done.
21. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and
look worried.
22. Following the rules will not get the job
done.
23. When confronted by a difficult problem, you
can solve it more easily by reducing it to the
question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle
this?"
Catholic Math
Little Tommy (who was Jewish) was doing very
badly in math. His parents had tried everything:
tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning
centers. In short, they tried everything they
could think of. Finally, in a last ditch effort,
they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the
local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Tommy came home with
a very serious look on his face. He didn't even
kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight
to his room and started studying. Books and
papers were spread out all over the room and
little Tommy was hard at work. His mother
was amazed. She called him down to dinner and to
her shock, theminute he was done he marched back
to his room without a word and in no time he was
back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day while
his mother tried to
understand what made the difference. Finally,
little Tommy brought home his report card. He
quietly laid it on the table and went up to his
room and hit the books. With great
trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her
surprise little Tommy got an A in math. She could
no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his
room and said: "Son, WHAT was it???? Was it
the nuns?"
Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head,
no. "Well, then", she
replied, "was it the books, the discipline,
the structure, the
uniforms???? WHAT was it????"
Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well,
on the first day of school, when I saw that guy
nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't
fooling around."
THE
END IS NEAR!
A priest and a pastor from the local churches are
standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign
into the ground, which reads: "The End is
Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before It's Too
Late!"
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
yelled a driver as he sped past.
From the curve ahead, they heard screeching tires
and a big splash.
The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do
you think the sign should just say 'Bridge
Out'?
The European Commission
has just announced an agreement whereby English
will be the official language of the European
nation rather than German which was the other
possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her
Majesty's Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has
accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become
known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s"
will replace the soft "c".
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump
with joy. The hard "c" will be
dropped in favour of the "k". This
should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have
one less letter.
There will be growing publik
enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with
the "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse
of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the
stage where more komplikated changes are
possible.
Governments will enkourage the
removal of double letters which have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre
that the horibl mes of the silent "e"
in the languag is disgrasful and it should go
away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv
to steps such as replasing "th" with
"z" and "w" with
"v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary
"o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav
a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or
difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil
finali kum tru.
If zis mad yu smil, pleas pas it on
to oza pepl.
Martha's way #1: Stuff a
miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar
cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom
of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably
lying on the couch with your feet up eating it
anyway.
Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to
"squeeze" your pancake batter onto the
hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped
pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the
microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is
getting them out of the plastic bag.
Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding,
place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and
keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's way #4: To prevent egg shells from
cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before
hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going
to take the shells off anyway?
Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of
fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and
roll them under your palm against the kitchen
counter before squeezing.
My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the
mattress and box spring.
Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food
from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of
dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of
pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid
cooking.
Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with
nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato
based sauces and there won't be any stains.
My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there
won't be any leftovers.
Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for
flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry
cake mix instead and there won't be any white
mess on the outside of the cake.
My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate
it for you.
Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over-salt a
dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled
potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an
instant "fix me up".
My way: If you over-salt a dish while you are
cooking, that's too bad.
Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil
when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep
for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white
over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful
glossy finish.
My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do
not include brushing egg whites over the crust
and so I don't do it.
Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in
hardened brown sugar to soften it.
My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be
"soft"?
Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob,
add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's
natural sweetness.
My way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a
can.
Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is
fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water.
If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the
surface, throw it away.
My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you
feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.
Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a
lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.
The throbbing will go away.
Martha, dear, the only reason this works is
because you can't rub a lime on your forehead
without getting lime juice in your eye, and then
the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is
because you are now blind.
Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that
leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future
use in casseroles and sauces.
My way: Leftover wine?
Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening
jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They
give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars
easy.
My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
Martha's way #18: Potatoes will take food stains
off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato
on the stains and rinse with water.
My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the
antibacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to
my sink.
Martha's way #19: Now look what you can do with
Alka Seltzer. * Clean a toilet. Drop in two
Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait 20 minutes, brush and
flush. The citric acid and effervescent action
clean vitreous china. * Clean a vase. To remove a
stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet,
fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer
tablets. * Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer
tablets into a glass of water and immerse the
jewelry for two minutes. * Clean a thermos
bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four
Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour
(or longer, if necessary).
My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in
the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have
solved a whole bunch of problems at once!
Next time
you have a bad day at work...think of this guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global
Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater
repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an
E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to
radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana,
who was sponsoring a worst job experience
contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from
your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a
bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling
down lately at work, so I thought I would
share my dilemma with you to make you realize
it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you
what happened to me, I first must bore you with a
few technicalities of my job. As you know, my
office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a
suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of
year the water is quite cool. So what we do to
keep warm is this:
We have a diesel powered
industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of
equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It
heats it to a delightful temperature. It then
pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose,
which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds
like a good plan, and I've used it several times
with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the
bottom and start working, is take the hose and
stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods
my whole suit with warm water. It's like working
in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going
well until all of a sudden, my butt started to
itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only
made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt
started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my
back, but the damage was done. In agony I
realized what had happened. The hot water machine
had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my
suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my
back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.
However, the crack of my butt was not as
fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an
itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into
the crack of my butt. I informed the dive
supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact
that he, along with five other divers, were all
laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted
the dive.
I was instructed to make
three agonizing in-water decompression stops
totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach
the surface to begin my chamber dry
decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I
was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I
climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears
of laughter running down his face, handed me a
tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as
soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the
fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days
because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're
having a bad day at work, think about how much
worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved
up your butt. Now repeat to
yourself, "I love my job, I love my
job, I love my job."
A Baptist
preacher and his wife decided to get a
new dog. Ever mindful of the
congregation, they knew the dog must also
be a Baptist. They visited kennel after
kennel and explained their needs.
Finally, they found a kennel whose owner
assured them he had just the dog they
wanted. The owner brought the dog
to meet the pastor and his wife.
"Fetch the Bible," he
commanded. The dog bounded to the
bookshelf,
scrutinized the books, located the Bible,
and brought it to the owner.
"Now find Psalm 23," he
commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to
the floor, and showing marvelous
dexterity with his paws, leafed through
and finding the correct passage, pointed
to it with his paw. The pastor and his
wife were very impressed and purchased
the dog.
That evening, a group of church members
came to visit. The pastor and his wife
began to show off the dog, having him
locate several Bible verses. The visitors
were very impressed. One man asked,
"Can he do regular dog tricks,
too?"
"I haven't tried yet," the
pastor replied. He pointed his finger at
the
dog. "HEEL!" the pastor
commanded. The dog immediately jumped on
a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's
forehead and began to howl. The pastor
looked at his wife in shock and said,
"Good Lord! He's
Pentecostal !"
Have Ya Ever
Wondered?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is
there a song about him?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and
say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly
things here and drink whatever comes
out?"
Who was the first person to see an egg come
from a chicken's butt and think, "I'll
bet that would be good to eat?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps
outside?
If love is blind, how can we believe in love
at first sight?
Why do toasters always have a setting that
burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no
decent human being would eat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto
remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why do they call it 'getting your dog fixed'
if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
If Wile Coyote had enough money for all the
Acme products, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty
Dumpty is an egg?
Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he
comes out of the shower, when he doesn't
usually wear any pants?
Did Adam and Eve have navels?
Do one-legged ducks swim in circles?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the
same thing?
And who opened that first 'oyster' and said
"My, my, my. Now doesn't 'this' look
yummy!"
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN To those
of us who have children in our lives, whether
they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews,
or students...here is something to make you
chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of
control, you can take comfort from the thought
that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His
own children. After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he
said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam
replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden
fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have
forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have Forbidden
fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!"
said God.
"Why"
"Because I am your Father and
I said so!" God replied, wondering why He
hadn't stopped creation after making the
elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His
children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat
the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said
the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam
said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should
have children of their own. Thus the pattern was
set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE
STORY!
If you have persistently and
lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they
haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If
God had trouble raising children, what makes you
think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of
their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then
you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit
down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In
fact, they usually repeat word for word what you
shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding
children's parties is to remind yourself that
there are children more awful than your own.
6. We child proofed our homes, but
they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your
kids. They will choose your nursing home.
AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF
TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO
ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
Pass this onto a parent,
grandparent, anyone that might be in contact with
a child.
An elderly man in
Phoenix calls his son in New York and says,
"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell
you that your mother and I are divorcing;
forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about," the
son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any
longer," the old man says. "We're sick
and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking
about this, so you call your sister in Chicago
and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes
on the phone. "Like heck they're getting a
divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care
of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and
screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting
divorced! Don't do a single thing until I
get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll
both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his
wife. "They're coming for Thanksgiving and
paying their own way."
A wealthy old lady decided to go on
a photo safari in Africa. She took
her faithful pet dachshund along for company. One
day, the dachshund
starts chasing butterflies and before long the
dachshund discovers that
he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his
direction with the obvious intention of having
lunch. The dachshund
thinks, "Okay, I'm in deep trouble now! Then
he noticed some bones on
the ground close by, and immediately settles down
to chew on the bones
with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the
leopard is about to
leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy,
that was one delicious
leopard. I wonder if there are any more around
here."
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in
mid-stride, as a look of
terror comes over him, and slinks away into the
tree s. "Whew," says the
leopard. "That was close. That dachshund
nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the
whole scene from a nearby
tree figures he can put this knowledge to good
use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But
the dachshund saw him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and
figured that something
must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of
and says, "Here monkey,
hop on my back and see what's going to happen to
that conniving canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with
the monkey on his back,
and thinks, "What am I going to do
now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with
his
back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
them yet . and just
when they get close enough to hear the dachshund
says......................
"Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off
half an hour ago to bring me
another leopard!"
Bible belt jokes
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he
married?
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the
Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock
while everyone else was in
liquidation.
Q. What was the greatest female financier
in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down
to the bank of the Nile and
drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the
Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the
Garden in a Fury. David's
Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Also, probably a Honda,
because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the
Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his
children as to why he no longer
lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and
home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most
flagrant lawbreaker in the
Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10
commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially
wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks
were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter
mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very
deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.
From an article by Dave
Barry
This is the time of year
when we think back to the very first Christmas,
when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar, Balthasar and
Herb -- went to see the baby Jesus, and,
according to the Book of Matthew, "presented
unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh.''
These are simple words, but if we analyze them
carefully, we discover an important, yet often
overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention
of wrapping paper. If there had been
wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so:
"And lo, the gifts WERE inside 600 square
cubits of paper. And the paper WAS
festooned with pictures of Frosty the
Snowman. And Joseph WAS going to throweth
it away, but Mary saideth unto him, 'Holdeth
it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for
next year!' " "And Joseph DID rolleth
his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus WAS more
interested in the paper than, for example, the
frankincense.'' But these words do not appear in
the Bible, which means that the very first
Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is
because the people giving those gifts had two
important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not
understand the point of putting paper on a gift
just so somebody else can tear it off. This
is not just my opinion: This is a scientific fact
based on a statistical survey of two guys I
know. One is my son, Rob, who said the only
time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, "if
it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be
there when the person opens it.'' The other is my
friend Gene Weingarten, who told me he does wrap
gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes
more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one
ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped
at Christmas,'' Gene said. "They were
the ones that looked like enormous spitballs.'' I
also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my
motor skills, I can never COMPLETELY wrap
them. I can take a gift the size of a deck
of cards and put it the exact center of a piece
of wrapping paper the size of a regulation
volleyball court, but when I am done folding and
taping, you can still see a sector
of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I
camouflage this sector with a marking pen.)
If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of
mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body
would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch
square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130
cargo plane. My wife, like many women,
actually LIKES wrapping things. If she
gives you a gift that requires batteries, she
wraps the batteries separately, which to me is
very close to being a symptom of mental
illness. If it were possible, my wife would
wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those
skills (like having babies) that come more
naturally to women than to men. That is why
today I am presenting:
GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN
· Whenever
possible, buy gifts that are already
wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the
gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can
claim that it's myrrh.
· The editors
of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on
how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a
design on it with an apple sliced in half
horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food
coloring and liquid starch. They must be
smoking crack.
· If you're
giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping
paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick
one of those little adhesive bows on it.
This creates a festive visual effect that is sure
to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas
morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under
the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a
leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that
the important thing is NOT what you give, or how
you wrap it.
The important thing, during this very special
time of year, is that you save the receipt.
UPSTATE NY
1. You refer to downtown
Albany as "The City."
2. "Vacation"
means going to Rochester for the weekend.
3. You measure distance
in hours.
4. You know several
people who have hit deer more than once.
5. You've used your back
porch or the trunk of your car as a fridge/deep
freeze.
6. You often switch from
"heat" to "A/C" in the same
day.
7. You use a down
comforter in the summer.
8. You drive at 65 mph
through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard,
without flinching.
9. People say they live
in Glenville when their mailing address is Scotia.
10. You install security
lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.
11. There is a mini-mall
every 1/4 mile; if not, you're in Vermont.
12. You carry jumper
cables in your car and your wife knows how to use
them.
13. There are 7 empty
cars running in the parking lot at Stewart's at
any given time.
14. You design your
grandkid's Halloween costume to fit over a
snowsuit.
15. Driving is better in
the winter because the potholes are filled with
snow.
16. You think sexy
lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas.
[additional note - Ooh, BABY ]
17. You know all 4
seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter,
construction.
18. It takes you 3 hours
to go to the store for one item even when you're
in a rush because you have to stop and talk to
everyone in town.
19. You know to avoid
tractor trailers (or cars for that matter) on the
Northway with Canadian Plates.
20. It's SODA DARNIT,
And people who call it POP make you want to slap
them.
21. You don't consider
what Domino's or Pizza Hut sell as Pizza.
22. You know that 'First
Night' isn't a Sean Connery movie.
23. There is no such
thing as waiting for the left turn arrow at an
intersection.
24. Your career ambition
is to work for NY State.
25. Even with the
slightest threat of snow, you know that Ichabod
Crane schools are closed.
26. There is nothing
International about Albany airport.
27. You can spell and
say 'Schenectady', Niskayuna and 'Rensselaer'.
28. You actually
understand these jokes and forward them to all
your friends from Upstate NY.
A husband shopping
center (Husbands-R-Us) has just opened where a
woman may go to choose a husband from among many
men.
The store is comprised of six floors, and the men
increase in positive
attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door
to any floor you may
choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a
floor, you cannot go
back down except to exit the building. So a woman
goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On
the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor
1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign
and says to herself, "Well, that's better
than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's
further up?" So up she goes. The
second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have
jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to
herself, "That's great, but I wonder
what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men
have jobs, love kids and are extremely good
looking. "Hmmm, better" she says.
"But I wonder what's upstairs?" The
fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have
jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and
help with the housework. "Wow!"
exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT,
there must be more further up!" And
again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men
have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking,
help with the housework and have a strong
romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But
just think... what must be awaiting me further
on?" So up to the sixth floor she
goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are
visitor 123,456,789,012,345 to this floor. There
are no men on this floor. This floor exists
solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at Husbands-R-Us
and have a nice day.
Male
or Female
===============
As you are aware, ships have long been
characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady
as she goes", or "She's listing to
starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a
group of computer scientists (all males)
announced that computers should also be referred
to as female. Their reasons for drawing
this conclusion follow.
Five reasons to believe computers are
female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their
internal logic.
2. The native language they use to
communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file
name" is about as informative as, "If
you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm
certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored
in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to
one, you find yourself spending half your
paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer
scientists (all female) think that computers
should be referred to as if they were male. Their
reasons follow.
Five reasons to believe computers are
male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still
clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve
problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one, you
realize that, if you had waited a little longer,
you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you
have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the
rest of the night.
THE
FARMER AND HIS MULE
A farmer named Clyde
had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the
accident, 'I'm fine'?", asked the lawyer. Clyde
responded, "Well, I'll tell you what
happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule,
Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the
lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the
question." "Did you not say, at the
scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie
into the trailer and I was driving down the
road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said,
"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact
that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was
just fine. Now several weeks after the accident
he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a
fraud. Please tell him to
simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's
answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to
hear what he has to say about his favorite mule,
Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well
as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my
favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving
her down the highway when this huge semi-truck
and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my
truck right in the side. I was thrown into one
ditch and Bessie
was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real
bad and didn't want to move. However, I could
hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she
was in terrible shape just by her groans".
"Shortly after the accident a Highway
Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie
moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, he took out his gun and
shot her between the eyes".
"Then the Patrolman came across the road,
gun in hand, looked at me, and asked 'How are you
feeling?'
"Now -- I ask your Honor -- what would you
say?"
On a recent
transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a
severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and
things go from bad to worse when one wing
is struck by lightning. One woman in
particular loses it. Screaming, she stands
up in the front of the plane. "I'm too
young to die," she wails. Then she yells,
"Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last
minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there
ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a
WOMAN?"
For a
moment there is silence.. Everyone has forgotten
their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the
desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then
an Italian man stands up in the rear of the
plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built,
with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to
walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his
shirt..... one button at a time.
No one
moves. ......
He
removes his shirt. .......
Muscles ripple across his chest. .....
She
gasps...........
He
whispers:
......
"Iron this, and get me something to
eat...."
AN EMBARASSING MOMENT
At Heathrow Airport in England,
a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air
Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but
dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.
They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of
central London where they boarded an open 17th
century coach hitched to six magnificent white
horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace,
each looking to their side and waving to the
thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets,
all was going well. This was indeed a glorious
display of pageantry and dignity.
Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right
rear horse let rip the most horrendous,
earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of
flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with
noxious fumes. Uncomfortable, but maintaining
control, the two dignitaries did their best to
ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen
decided that was a ridiculous manner with which
to handle a most embarrassing situation. She
turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr.
President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you
understand that there are some things even a
Queen cannot control."
George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied,
"Your Majesty, please don't give the matter
another thought. You know, if you hadn't said
something I would have assumed it was one of the
horses.”
You
can't read this and stay in a bad mood!
1. How Do
You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch
a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do
Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do Yo! u Get
Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do
Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do
Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do
You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.
! 8. What Do You Call Cheese That
Isn't Yours ?
Nacho
Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do
You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do
You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk..
12. What Do
You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frost! bite.
13. What
Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's
The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where
Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do
Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers ..
17. Why
Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What
Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is
The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Di!
d Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle
On Their Hat.
21. What's
The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad
Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are
a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Now, admit
it. At least one of these made you smile
Subject: Ever Wonder
Does a clean
house indicate that there is a broken computer in
it?
Why is it that
no matter what color of bubble bath you use the
bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a
day when mattresses are NOT on sale?
Why do people
constantly return to the refrigerator with the
hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
On electric
toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one
slice'? How many pieces of bread do
they think people are really gonna try to stuff
in that slot?
Why do people
keep running over a string a dozen times with
their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it
up, examine it, then put it down to give their
vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that
no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you
first try?
How do those
dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?
Why do we wash BATH
towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not
then what was the purpose of the bath?
Considering all
the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept
drying your clothes would they eventually
just disappear?
When we are in
the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why
do we say 'Its all right'? It isn't
all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you
stupid idiot'?
Why is it that
when you're walking up the stairs and you get to
the top you always think there's still one more
step?
Why is it that
whenever you attempt to catch something that's
falling off the table you always manage to knock
something else over?
Is it true that
the only difference between a yard sale and a
trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff
is placed?
In winter, why
do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in
summer when we complained about the heat?
Why do old men
wear their pants higher than younger men?
Why is it that
inside every older person is a younger person
wondering what the heck happened?
If diamonds are
a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best
friend, who really is the dumber sex?
Why are the
needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't
they just as needy throughout the rest of the
year?
How come we
never hear any father-in-law jokes?
Do Chinese
people get hungry an hour after they eat American
food?
If at first you
don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like
your wife told you to? (Works for me!)
GEORGE
CARLIN STRIKES AGAIN
1. Ever wonder about
those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian
backwards: NAIVE
2. Isn't making a
smoking section in a restaurant like making a
peeing section in a swimming pool?
3. OK.... so if the
Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the
"Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are
known as the "Bucs," what does that
make the Tennessee Titans?
4. If 4 out of 5 people
SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one
enjoys it?
5. There are three
religious truths: Jews do not recognize Jesus as
the Messiah. Protestants do not recognize the
Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the
liquor store or at Hooters.
6. If people from Poland
are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?
7. Do infants enjoy
infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
8. If a pig loses its
voice, is it disgruntled?
9. Why do croutons come
in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
bread to begin with?
10. Why is a person who
plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a racecar is not a racist?
11. Why isn't the number
11 pronounced onety one?
12. If lawyers are
disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed?
13. If Fed Ex and UPS
were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
14. Do Lipton Tea
employees take coffee breaks?
15. What hair color do
they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
16. I was thinking about
how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older; then it dawned on
me...they're cramming for their final exam.
17. I thought about how
mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers
use? Toothpicks?
18. Why do they put
pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't
they just put their pictures on the postage
stamps so the mailmen can look for them while
they deliver the mail?
19. If it's true that we
are here to help others, then what exactly are
the others here for?
20. You never really
learn to swear until you learn to drive.
21. Ever wonder what the
speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
22. Whatever happened to
Preparations A through G?
CARDS
HALLMARK WON'T BE PRINTING...
1.
I always wanted To have someone to hold, Someone
to love. After meeting you ... (inside card) I
changed my mind.
2.
I must admit, You brought religion into my life
... (inside card) I never believed in Hell until
I met you.
3.
As the days go by, I think how lucky I am ...
(inside card) That you're not here to ruin it for
me.
4.
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go
... (inside card) Will you take the knife from my
back? You'll probably need it again.
5.
Someday I hope to marry ... (inside card) Someone
other than you.
6.
Happy birthday! You look great for your age ...
(inside card) Almost life-like!
7.
When we were together, You said you'd die for
me.. . (inside card) Now we've broken up, I think
it's time to keep your promise.
8.
We've been friends for a very long time ...
(inside card) What do you say we stop?
9.
I'm so miserable without you ... (inside card)
It's almost like you're still here.
10.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. . Did
you ever find out who the father was?
11.
You are such a good friend. If we were on a
sinking ship and there was only one life jacket
... (inside card) I'd miss you terribly and think
of you often.
12.
Your friends and I wanted to do something really
special for your birthday. . . . (inside card) So
we're having you put to sleep
13.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in
Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia).
14.
Looking back o'er the years we've been together,
I can't help but wonder ... (inside card) What
was I thinking?
15.
Congratulations on your wedding day!. . . (inside
card) Too bad no one likes your husband.
16.
How could two people as beautiful as you ...
(inside card) Have such an ugly baby?
KIDS
IN CHURCH
3-year-old,
Reese: "Our Father, Who does art
in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."
A
little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if
you can't make me a better boy, don't worry
about it. I'm having a real good time like I
am."
A.
Sunday school class was studying the Ten
> Commandments. They were ready to
> discuss the last one. The teacher
asked if anyone > could tell her
what it > was. Susie raised her
hand, stood tall, and quoted, >
> "Thou shall not take
> the covers off the neighbor's
wife."
After
the christening of his baby brother in church,
> Jason sobbed all the
> way home in the back seat of the
car. His father > asked him three
times what > was wrong. Finally,
the boy replied, > > "That
preacher > said he wanted us
> brought up in a
> Christian home, and
> I wanted to stay
> with you guys." >
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > I had been teaching my
three-year old daughter, > Caitlin,
the Lord's Prayer > for several
evenings at bedtime, she would repeat
> after me the lines from
> the prayer. Finally, she decided
to go solo. > I listened with pride
as she carefully enunciated > each
word right up to the > end of the
prayer: > "Lead us not into
temptation," > she prayed,
> "but deliver
> us some E-mail.
> Amen." >
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > and one particular
four-year-old prayed, > "And
> forgive us our trash baskets
> as we forgive those who put trash
in our baskets." >
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > > A Sunday school
teacher asked her children, as they
> were on the way to
> church service, "And why is
it necessary to be > quiet in
church?" > One bright little
girl replied, > "Because
people are > sleeping." >
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Six-year-old Angie and her
four-year-old brother Joel > were
sitting together > in church. Joel
giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
> Finally, his big sister had had
enough. You're
not supposed to talk >out >
> loud in church." "Why?
Who's going to stop me?" Joel
> asked. > Angie
pointed to the back of the church and said,
> "See those two men
> standing by the door?
> They're hushers."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > > A mother was preparing
pancakes for her sons, Kevin, > 5,
Ryan 3. The boys > began to argue
over who would get the first pancake.
> Their mother saw the
> opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were > sitting here,
He would say, > 'Let my brother
have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
> Kevin turned to his
> younger brother and said,
> "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
> >
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > A father was at the beach
with his children when the > four-
year-old son ran > up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
> where a seagull lay
> dead in the sand. "Daddy,
what happened to him?" the
> son asked.
> "He died and went to
Heaven," the Dad replied.
> The boy thought a moment and then
said, > "Did God
> throw him back down?" >
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > A wife invited some people
to dinner. At the table, > she
turned to their > six-year-old
daughter and said, "Would you like to
> say the blessing?"
> "I wouldn't know what to
say," the girl replied.
> "Just say what you hear
Mommy say," the wife
> answered.
> The daughter bowed
her head and said, > "Lord,
why on > earth did I invite all
> these people to dinner?"
>
Stupid People by Andy
Rooney:
"Stupid people should have to wear signs
that just say, "I'm
Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on
them, would you? You wouldn't have to ask
them anything. It would be like,
"Excuse me...oops...never mind, didn't
see your
sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our
house was full of boxes and there was a
U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes
over and says, "Hey, you
moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff
up once or twice a week to see how many
boxes it takes. Here's your
sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with
a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the
dock, I lifted up this big ol'stringer of
bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey,
y'all catch all them fish?"
"Nope. Talked 'em into giving up.
Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the
Discovery Channel. There was a guy
inventing a shark bite suit and there's only one
way to test it. "Alright, Jimmy, you
got that shark suit on, it looks good...
They want you to jump into this pool of sharks,
and you tell us if it hurts when they bite
you." "Well, all right, but hold my
sign. I don't wanna lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck
into one of those side-of-the-road gas
stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my
truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said,
"Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist - I
said, "Nope. I was driving around and
those other three just swelled right up on
me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year
ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the
car around for about 45 minutes. We get
back to the house; he gets out of the car,
reaches down and grabs the exhaust
pipe, then says, "Darn that's
hot!" See, if he'd been wearing his
sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days
of adventure. Wouldn't you know, I misjudged
the height of a bridge? The truck got stuck
and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I
tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a
local cop shows up to take the report. He
went through his basic questioning, ...okay...no
problem. I thought for sure he was clear of
needing a sign...until he asked, "So,
is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help
myself! I looked at him, looked back at the
rig and then back to him and said,
"No, I'm delivering a bridge...
Here's your sign."
I stayed late at work one night and a
co-worker looked at me and said,
"Are you still here?" I replied,
"No. I left about 10 minutes ago.
Here's your sign."
Anybody you know need a sign today? Send
this to all your friends.
The next time someone says something
stupid, ask them where their sign
is.
THINGS
TO CONTEMPLATE
I signed up for an
exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I
wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny
dipping", now I just "chunky
dunk".
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our
life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and
start all over?
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you
realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
My wife says I never listen to her. At least I
think that's what she said.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd
all fall off.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in
school, but they can in prison?
If raising children was going to be easy, it
never would have started with something called
labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat
cells live forever!
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center
were sitting on a bench under a tree when one
turns to the other and says, "Slim I'm 83
years old now and I'm just full of aches and
pains. I know you're about my age. How do you
feel?"
Slim says. "I feel just like a newborn
baby."
"Really!?"
Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just
wet my pants.
What a
wonderful way to explain faith...
A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was
preparing to leave the examination room and said,
"Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what
lies on the other side."
Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't
know."
"You don't know? You, a Christian man, do
not know what is on the other side?"
The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on
the other side of which came a sound of
scratching and whining, and as he opened the
door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on
him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said,
"Did you notice my dog? He's never been in
this room before He didn't know what was inside.
He knew nothing except that his master was here,
and when the door opened, he sprang in without
fear. I know little of what is on the other side
of death, but I do know one thing...I know my
Master is there and that is enough."
Joel Olsteen told a good
joke last night that I thought merited repeating:
A middle aged woman had a heart
attack, and while she was on the operating table,
she asked God, "Is this it?"
God said, "No, you have
another 40 years to live!"
Pondering this, the woman decided
to stay in the hospital awhile, get a face lift,
tummy tuck, liposuction, the WORKS!
2 weeks after leaving the
hospital a new woman, she was hit by the car and
died.
When she got to heaven she said
to God, "I thought you told me I had 40 more
years to live?"
God said, "I'm sorry, I
didn't recognize you!"
"Daddy's Gonna
Eat Your Fingers"
As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year
old daughter was having a
wonderful time playing on the bed.
At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at
this," and stuck out two of her
fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and
stuck her tiny fingers in
my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your
fingers!" pretending to eat them
before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the
bed staring at her fingers
with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my
booger?"
Have things gotcha Down?
Are ya havin' a Bad Day????
Well, then, consider this...............................
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the
same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of
their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something
to do with the supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery as
to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a
worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause
of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of
the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see
for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some
were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects
to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time
Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support
system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez
Oil spill in Alaska was $
80,000.00.
At a special ceremony, two
of the most expensively saved animals were being released back
into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to
jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a
handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that
moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you're having a Bad Day????
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending
pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany.
Suddenly, all two
thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence,
stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It
came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better????
Subject: CIA
After all the
background check, interviews, and testing were
done, there were three finalists for a position
with the CIA ~ Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA examiner took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed him a
gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions, no
matter what the circumstances. Inside this room,
you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill
Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could
never shoot my wife." The examiner said,
"Then you're not the right man for this job.
Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came
out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I
can't kill my wife." The examiner said,
"You don't have what it takes. Take your
wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given
the same instructions, to kill her husband. She
took the gun and went into the room. Six shots
were heard, one after another. They heard
screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After
a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened
slowly and there stood the
woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"The gun was loaded with blanks", she
said. "I had to beat him to death with the
chair."
Country Wisdom
Don't name a pig you plan to eat.
Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight,
and bull strong.
Life is not about how fast you run, or how high
you climb, but how well you bounce.
Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.
Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not
yelled.
Meanness don't happen overnight.
To know how country folks are doing, look at
their barns, not their houses.
Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it
just ain't helpful.
Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye
open.
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.
Don't corner something meaner than you.
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar,
assuming you want to catch flies.
Man is the only critter who feels the need to
label things as flowers or weeds.
It don't take a very big person to carry a
grudge.
Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.
You can't unsay a cruel thing.
Every path has some puddles.
Don't wrestle with pigs: You'll get all muddy and
the pigs will love it.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about never
happens.
The Ten Commandments display was removed from the
Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good
reason for the move. You can't post Thou
Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery
and Thou Shall Not Lie in a building full of
lawyers and Politicians without creating a
hostile work environment.
7
reasons not to mess with a child
1. A little girl was talking to her teacher
about whales. The teacher said it was physically
impossible for a whale to swallow a human because
even though it was a very large mammal its throat
was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah
was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher
reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible. The little
girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask
Jonah". The teacher asked, " What if
Jonah went to hell?" The little girl
replied, "Then you can ask him".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her
classroom of children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work. As she got to one little girl who
was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing
God." The teacher paused and said, "But
no one knows what God looks like." Without
missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing,
the girl replied, "They will in a
minute."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten
Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to
"honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she
asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches
us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest
of a family) answered, "Thou shall not
kill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching
her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She
suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on
her brunette head. She looked at her mother and
inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied,
"Well, every time that you do something
wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs
turns white." The little girl thought about
this revelation for a while and
then said, "Momma,! how come ALL of
grandma's hairs are white?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5. The children had all been photographed, and
the teacher was trying to persuade them each to
buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think
how nice it will be to look at it when you are
all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a
lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A
small voice at the back of the room rang out,
"And there's the teacher, She's dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the
circulation of the blood. Trying to make the
matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I
stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would
run into it, and I would turn red in the
face.." "Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing
upright in the ordinary position the blood
doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow
shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of
a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the
head of the table was a large pile of apples. The
nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other
end of the table was a large pile of chocolate
chip cookies. A child had written a note,"
Take all you want. God is watching the apples!
Watch
for these consolidations in 2004:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay
Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace
Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary,
Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and
Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue
forth as: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors,
Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and
become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its major
competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell
Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are
expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National
Organization of Women will become: Knott
NOW!
.....Invest wisely!
Spotted
in a toilet of a London office: TOILET OUT OF
ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In
In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT
GOES OUT
In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT
UPSTAIRS
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP
LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER
STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY
THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING
BOARD
Outside a secondhand
shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING
MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND
GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food
shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a
conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND
DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST
FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's
field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE
FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet: IF
YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW
TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop
door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD
ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
is Published by Bedside Books, an imprint of
American Book Publishing.
ISBN
1-58982-074-6
LOW ENDCopyright
2003 Harry G. Pellegrin
In
God We Trust
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